Daytime TV - It's a bit crap isn't it?

A friend who's on maternity leave has recently been introduced to the delights of daytime TV.

She's already hooked on Jeremy Kyle (the US version, which is - obviously - even bigger, louder and more dramatic than our one).

She hasn't worked up to Loose Women yet.

When I lost my job, it co-incided with the start of school.

I would be spending more time on my own at home.

No more days off watching back to back CBeebies and pondering Mr Tumble's sexual preferences.

Instead, returning to my student years, watching Richard and Judy, a bit of Trisha or Vanessa. and Ready Steady Cook.

Perhaps followed by Neighbours and comedy Scandinavians on Going for Gold.

But today's Neighbours isn't a patch on the Des and Daphne years.

While Henry Kelly was last spotted in Copenhagen with a fondue dish named Lars.

But maybe daytime TV could provide some intellectually stimulating debates, in the wake of Kilroy.

So I put on The Wright Stuff.

Gayle Porter, Lowri Turner and some bit part actor off Hollyoaks are chewing the fat about whether Lady Ga Ga should be performing Poker Face at a kid's birthday party.

Ok, ITV2.

Would I lie to you, baby?

Kyle. Another spin on the lie detector/DNA debate. A transgender special. Is Tony (now Antonia) or Brutus (now Barbara) the father of Billy Jo?

Yawn! Come on, we can push this on a bit?

Maybe live sperm donation or egg harvesting to determine who's the daddy from the onset?

This could save years of speculation. But deprive guests of an overnight stay in a fancy London hotel.

I'm even tiring of Jezza's dressing downs. Squatting, cue card in hand, eyeballing the hicks, he tells Billy Jo's parents:

"Shame on you for subjecting your child to the intolerable cruelty of a double barrelled first name. Especially one that can be shortened to BJ!"

Judge and jewellery

Judge Judy. You wouldn't mess with her would you?

Some minor dispute about a colleague who gave his co-worker a lift, but the tyre got a flat. He wants half the cost of the repair. And petrol.

Enter Judith, flanked by bouncers. She can crush you in less time than it takes to bring down her gavel.

One sentence from that sharp Goodfellas mouth sends the plaintiff crying back to his trailer park.

I must 'fess up to loving the Real Housewives of Orange County/New York/New Jersey.

A gaggle of Barbies with tanned boob jobs, nose jobs, no jobs, living in diamond encrusted mansions.

Their fear of carbs is equal only to the time that hobo dared to ask them for a dime.

They rip each other's eyes out on a daily basis, usually at a party on a yacht."You're soooo phony!" Before talking about how they just want world peace.

This Moaning

This Morning is now home to Holly and Phil or Eamonn and Ruth.

Sometimes they wife swap. Only Pip isn't actually married to Holly. I think he is married to Sarah Green. Or Gordon the Gopher.

In my student days, the programme was all so ironic, so Fred the weather man, so The Mary Whitehouse Experience.

Now I see it is inane, rich tea, padding, aimed at pensioners and middle aged women.

I need to get out more; otherwise I may end up discussing gastric bands and winter knits at my next social function.

If I hear Eamonn and Dr Chris' views on HRT one more time, I may have to overdose on oestrogen tablets.

Agony aunt Denise Robertson adopts a concerned face as she discusses the subject of soft core porn.

Don't be fooled by her lovely pashmina and gentle voice, pet.

She could headbutt Jimmy Nail and Cheryl Tweedy (why is she still called Cole btw?) into the Tyne and still make it back for the slot on chocolate digestive addiction .

Carry on Campio

The aptly named Gino D'Acampo has more double entendres than Kenneth Williams and Charles Hawtrey on a day trip to Cockington.

As Gino stands in the kitchenette discussing shits - sorry sheets - of pastry, a speechless Phil is  doubled over. Ooh Matron!

However, Gino is easier on the eye than Brian Turner.

He recently opened IKEA Wednesbury's kitchen department. When asked what item of furniture Gino would inspire me to buy, I wrote: 'A long Faktum against the wall'. I blame the complementary Asti.

How to get a head in TV

It was around the time of the saucy tweets when one creative presenter introduced Gino and Melanie Sykes' show 'Let's Do Lunch with Gino & Mel' by saying:

"Gino and Mel are offering a great spread over lunch." Surely, "Let's Do (omit the words do, lunch and Gino) Mel," would have been equally amusing.

Since when was Melanie 'Boddingtons' Sykes the chat show host of the hour?

Mel and Des, Mel and Gino, Mel and Griff. Mel and some random letch off Twitter?

Now, when Mel (Giedroyc) and Sue Perkins were on daytime TV in the 90s, they were funny.

Clearly not as funny as former bikini model # Mel.

Nothing left to loose

Which links us nicely to Loose Women.

Some viewers may value Cherie Hewson's opinion on female circumcision or revel in Jane McDonald's anecdotes about gussets.

Some may be on the edge of their sofa seats waiting for guests Michael Ball or Josie Gibson.

When you reach this point of no return, you must seek help, maybe from Jeremy Kyle.

But hang on, it's competition time, ladies!

Your chance to win thousands and thousands of pounds, cruises, motor homes, trips in great glass elevators.

But can you crack the MENSA inspired multiple choice question?

Complete this popular saying: 'A bird in the hand is worth two in a...'

a) Bush
b) Cheeseplant from IKEA
c) Babooshka

I enter religiously. Online. Because it is free and I do not have to check with my mobile network provider how much a standard text costs. Clue: about the same price as a Happy Meal, only you won't get a free Madagascar 3 toy.

The afternoon continues with soaps and countless programmes involving property, antiques, food and animals.

And when they run out of ideas, they make all of those programmes abroad. Come Dine With Me: Benidorm, Four in a Bed: Magaluf, Coach Trip, the Home Counties.

Fortunately, I have Freesat and can catch up on all the credible programmes, like The X Factor, USA.

Or, to quote the old TV show, which was presented by children before child labour was abolished, "Why don't you just switch off your television set and do something less boring instead?"